May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month

Good evening, Crusaders! Again, I apologize for the lack of postings. I sit down at night and try and post and I just can't. Reality has really set in here lately. I feel as though it is getting more difficult than easier. Some days I feel like Carter has been away and I think..okay I am ready for him to come home now. I am ready for him to crawl in the bed with me and snuggle. I want to stand at my kitchen window and look outside and see him running and playing in the yard. I want him to see how big Caroline has gotten and how much she has changed. I know he knows more than we know, but I want him here. I want to watch his first tee ball game, I want to watch him swim this summer. I want him to constantly ask me, "Mom, how many more days until we leave for vacation?" (This started in January..lol). I long to here his voice and kiss his sweet face. I long to hold him in my arms. I long to wrap him in favorite frog bath towel and warm him up after his bath. There are so many more and I am sure the list will only grow. I see children losing their teeth, learning to read more and more, doing homework, playing sports on the weekend, playing with their siblings and it breaks my heart.....I want my Carter to have all of the pleasures of this world. Although it angers me, I remind myself that he is in the glory land and that he will NEVER know any of the evils or pains of this world. Please do not misunderstand, I have not lost my faith but I am only human and I miss my son, my first born child. I pray everyday for God to forgive me for being angry and for him to remove the anger from my heart and some days are great but others are just plain miserable. I have learned to deal with these days better and I get through them and I try and stay strong for Skip and Caroline. Skip has very rough days and I know that he needs me just as I need him on the very rough days. It normally works out that when I am having a rough day, he is better and vice versa...isn't it funny how God works? Sometimes I look around and everyone is doing what they have always done..their lives are the same. They have moved on (not that they do not miss Carter because I know that they do) but they have their lives as they always have. I know you are not supposed to feel jealousy but I have to say that sometimes I am jealous..jealous that their lives are as they have always been and that mine will NEVER again be the same. But as I have said, I pray for the jealousy to be gone and for God to speak to my heart and guide me in the right direction and he does...he always picks me up when I am down. And although I have bad days, he continues to bless me in many ways. Some days I have to look for the blessings but they are always there. I do not mean to sound so down and so negative but this is the life..the life of a parent who has lost a child. Will it change? Will I ever not think about what he would be doing? I doubt it...maybe I will just learn to deal with it better! Please continue to pray for us!!!

On to another note..May is Brain Tumor Awareness Month. Please wear Grey for the month and think of Carter. Please spread the word and make people aware. That is what we need.....AWARENESS!!!! I have added Carter to the Wall of Courage. The website is www.wallofcourage.com. If you go to the site and go to Gallery of Kids, you can click on the letter "C" and scroll down...you will see his precious face. If you click on his picture and look to the right, you will see a larger picture and a part that says Click Here for this Child's Gear. You can click here and a list of items will come up. There are many items for purchase with Carter's picture on it. 100% of the proceeds go to research for Pediatric Brain Tumors. Please take the time and look at the items and if youa re able, place an order. SPREAD THE WORD!!!! TELL CARTER'S STORY!! It is the only way that we can find a cure! Thank you so much for your continue love and support!!!

Love to you all,

Courtney